About 99% of my colleagues, friends and family cannot understand how I do it. I just don't stress anymore. The pursuit of higher education in any variety of science is inherently stressful, especially as a new student to a new department, whether it be for a Masters or PhD. Do not get me wrong. I felt significant stress for the first 3 years of my PhD (and two years of my masters), always contemplating whether I was making the cut or slowly but surely falling behind the pack. But I do not, now.
I'm a normal person, I know exactly where my intellect stands. But some of my strengths are my determination, perseverance and love for what I do (and yes, stubbornness; being so and not being able to settle on 'I can't figure this out' can be a frustratingly great thing in academia). I struggled hard with the imposter syndrome. HARD. And not for nothing, I still do from time to time. I've learned It is a natural feeling to have when you are surrounded by some of the best researchers in the world at what they do. There is value in accepting that they have a lot more experience and you are not on their level, yet. But negativity can stem not just from vulnerability, but also feeling drastically alone.
My transition to a literal stress-free life, even outside of academia, occurred because of a random cold I had and a visit to the Student Health Services. Over the past few years I always requested Lynn, the RN that I just got along with very well. I described my symptoms, and she stopped me in my tracks and went on a tangent. "You know what Tom, we always have really candid conversations when you've come in. One of the things I've noticed over the years is that you do not talk to yourself in a positive way. You need to work on that."
We then went on about my cold, but her words resonated for weeks. I thought long and hard about what she said to me, and soon after realized Lynn was right; my internal dialogue was not promoting me, but instead, inhibiting my abilities to be constructive. At the time I felt extremely alone with no-one to rely on for progressing my research. I focused too much on what everyone was doing (or not doing), and it was critically hindering my ability to do some really cool research. A random quote that I came across years earlier flashed in my head: "If someone spoke to you the way that you speak to yourself, would you be friends with them?". I flipped a light switch in my head.
I decided then and there that I was not going place unproductive stress on situations I could not control. Faculty not responding to my urgent emails? Done. Collaborators not holding up their end of the bargain? Done. Funding not coming through like I'd hoped? Done. Call it some sort of religious experience, minus the religion. I put complete weight in that can only control what I do, no one else. The feeling of being alone, while real, was a catalyst for endurance and ownership. After all, this is my dissertation. To put it plainly, why consciously put myself into a place where there are no other solutions but to depend on others?
Don't get me wrong. I still very much understand, appreciate and respect urgency, deadlines and responsibility. I just do not let it impact me in the negative way it once did, but instead, use those shortcomings as motivation in a positive way. I move forward in a productive way and take control of the situation. Hopefully you can create a positive mental space for yourself, too.
Contact me if you are feeling a similar way. I cannot guarantee that I will always be available, but in the worst case scenario, I'll direct you to someone who can.
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